How Rock Bottom Helped Me Get Sober
Trapped In A Shitty Plastic Coffin
There I lay, on the floor of a large, wheelchair accessible, porta potty unit, too weak to stand. It clawed from inside my stomach like a demon satisfied with it’s carnage. Like a jagged rusty rake across a barren landscape. “How did I let this happen to myself? This isn’t me.” I thought.
“I have to get up. If I pass out in here I could die.” Gravity proved stronger than I for a few more minutes while I desperately hoped for the pain to expire . “Katy, you HAVE TO GET UP AND GET OUT OF HERE, OR YOU WILL DIE. YOU WILL DIE IN A PORTA POTTY AT 36 YEARS OLD.”
Cold sweat rained from my forehead. “If I can just make it through this, I swear to myself, I will never drink again. Not a single drop. I want Katy back. I used to be athletic and strong. I was supposed to age gracefully. I want her back.”
“GET UP!”
I stood like a newborn deer, trembling and fragile. Stumbling out into the sunlight, I walked the 20 feet to my work truck where I clumsily grabbed my phone and my water canteen just before collapsing in the grass.
“Hola, que pasa?”
“Jefe…. need help,” my words slurring so badly, he could barely understand me.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart are you ok?”
“No. Jefe, please help me. I might pass out, I’m sick. My heart is poundi… too fast. I can’t breathe well… I’m so scared…I’m… can I be honest with you?”
“Sure, hun. I’ll send some help. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I think I’m having alcohol withdrawals.”
In This Article:
- What To Expect When You Quit Drinking Cold Turkey
- The Shame Of Rock Bottom Motivated Me To Get Sober
- Understanding Why I Hit Rock Bottom
- Rock Bottom Helped Me Say “No” To Cravings
- Do You Have To Hit Rock Bottom To Quit Drinking?
- Don’t Believe The Hype
- From Rock Bottom There Is Nowhere To Go But Up!
What To Expect When You Quit Drinking Cold Turkey
Alcohol Withdrawals Can Kill You
If you have been drinking a lot of alcohol over the course of months or years, it is very likely you have become physically dependent on it and will experience withdrawals if you stop abruptly like I did. This happens because alcohol depresses your central nervous system and changes your brain chemistry.
Saya Des Marais, a medical social worker and a behavioral change expert says, “drinking alcohol causes your brain to produce more GABA (a neurotransmitter that makes you feel calm and euphoric) and less glutamate (a neurotransmitter that makes you feel excitable.)” However, when you drink too much over a long period of time your brain tries to adjust to the substance and begins to produce less GABA and more glutamate. When you abruptly quit drinking your brain experiences a neurotransmitter imbalance which leads to withdrawals.
The symptoms of alcohol withdrawal can vary from mild to severe. Some mild symptoms are mood swings, sleep problems, shakes, sweating, change in eating habits, and upset stomach. Severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms can include confusion, heart problems, fever, seizures, hallucinations, and even death.
The worst of my withdrawals happened in a typical timeframe, on my day two of not drinking. The messed up part is that it wasn’t my intention to quit cold turkey. It wasn’t my intention to even quit. My plan was to start trying to moderate and stop drinking every single night. So, I took two nights off… For the first time in 4 years. The liquor called me back and struck me down violently like an abusive warden. “WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?!”
IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO DETOX UNDER MEDICAL SUPERVISION. If you want to quit drinking and think you may experience withdrawals, please seek medical help. It could save your life.
The Shame Of Rock Bottom Motivated Me to Get Sober
"Management Wants To See You"
My boss kept trying to get me to agree to go to a hospital. I declined, because I was a dumbass. He made me drink a soda which I tried to refuse, since I considered it unhealthy. Yes, I see the irony in me having a super healthy diet while diving deep into alcoholism for 4 years. He insisted I drink the soda. It actually helped tremendously, because my body missed the sugar that alcohol had provided.
A dark, quiet office was furnished for me while coworkers checked in periodically. When I emerged feeling a little better, the shame was thick. “This is the best job I’ve ever had, and I ruined it. They’re going to fire me.” Jefe called me into the head honcho’s office for a chat. “Great. Here it comes. Oh well, at least I’m alive.”
“Have a seat, Katy.”
My heart pounding. My head low. Hands clasped in my lap.
“We want you to know we are proud of you.”
“What? What for?” “Oh,” I thought, “they’re going to say ‘for your years of service’ to soften the blow before showing me the door.”
“We are proud of you for speaking up and being honest about what’s going on. That was very brave.”
“Thank you….” I said, shocked. “I understand if you need to fire me for liability reasons… But, if you decide not to, I swear this will never happen again, I’m going to get well.”
“Katy, you aren’t fired, but you have to seek therapy. If you can’t afford it, we can help you out of our own pockets if we have to. We care about you, and want to see you get better, OK?”
My chest swelled as tears filled my eyes. “They care about me. Someone cares about me enough to demand I seek therapy.” I thought while trying my hardest not to let the tears fall. My childhood was scarred by extreme neglect paired with verbal and psychological abuse. It’s like I was waiting my whole life for someone to speak to me this way. I WANTED to get mentally and physically well and I WANTED someone to want that for me, too.
“Of course. I’ll do anything to keep this job. I love it here. You guys are the best. Thank you. Thank you so much for helping me. I can afford it. I’ll go.”
I Won't Let Them Down
“Hey, Jefe! Guess who’s one week sober?”
“Hun, I’m so proud of you. How ya’ feeling?”
“Oh, I still got the shits real bad, and bad stomach aches, but I’m alive.”
“Gross, hun. That’s gross.”
I lived for that. One week became two. Two became three. And, pretty soon I was counting the months and bragging at each milestone. My bosses went out of their way to show they cared, and I wasn’t going to take that for granted and let them down. Shame transformed into motivation. I promised myself I would never stoop so low ever again.
Understanding Why I Hit Rock Bottom
Therapy helped me realize a lot of things about myself and why I was drinking so excessively. The therapist didn’t do or say much. Apparently, I just really needed to vent. A lot.
I was raised in a dysfunctional household, and almost every adult I knew relied on some type of substance as a crutch that ranged from meth to weed. Looking around at my options, it was easy to see which drugs were the most dangerous. Alcohol was never very attractive to me as a kid, because it wasn’t advertised well to me. It seemed dangerous and stupid. And, meth? Ha! No, thanks. I’d rather keep my teeth.
Weed was my thing from age 15 and on into my 30’s, because it is the safest “drug” to use. I suffered so much trauma at home as a teen, and smoking made me feel good despite my circumstances. I graduated high school with AB Honor Roll and perfect attendance, super high and super homeless much of the time. (Not entirely homeless, but I was forced to move a lot, and I definitely didn’t live with my parents from age 16 and on.)
Smoking daily wasn’t the best use of my time and money, but it never caused any major problems for me other than the occasional run in with the law in the wrong state. But, when I turned 21, I moved away to a state where I could smoke the Devil’s Lettuce freely. College proved more challenging than high school, but I still got my Bachelor’s degree, again, super high.
After spending 10 years in Oregon, I came back to my home state, Texas, where alcoholism is totally normal, but weed is worthy of actual prison time. Texas has as many church steeples as Oregon has weed shops. Big change. On top of that, some of the better jobs I wanted to be considered for require random drug tests, so I decided to quit smoking and trade one crutch for another.
One of the factors in my poor decision to drink daily, like a good Texan, was that I made so many friends that made daily drinking look not so bad. In fact, they made it look glamourous with fancy brunches and expensive liquors at fancy restaurants. These people are a lot more successful than me financially speaking, and they don’t seem to have any relationship problems either.
Was it just my parents with their dirty ol’ cheap beer and whiskey that made it look so awful? Maybe it’s because my family was also doing meth and coke?..
Could I drink every night like my friends, pass random drug tests, and be successful too? Only one way to find out. I pulled it off pretty well as a high functioning alcoholic for awhile, until I couldn’t anymore.
Rock Bottom Helped Me Say "No" To Cravings
Two And A Half Weeks Of Pain And Plain
While my most severe withdrawals were on my day 2 of sobriety, I still had to endure 2.5 weeks of that clawing demonic stomach pain, diarrhea, fatigue, and crankiness. This is called a “detox” where the body purges all the bad stuff and tries to adjust to life without alcohol.
There were no cravings to drink during this time, because I felt so sick and awful. To combat the diarrhea and stomach pain, I had to change my diet significantly for the 2.5 weeks. I sought advice on the topic through online sobriety groups and was counseled to eat only the following:
- plain oats
- plain rice
- plain toast
- bananas
- apples
- sodas (I drank Live Brand Kombucha Sodas instead)
- plain chicken
- all natural, food based multi-vitamins
When I say “plain,” I mean “PLAIN.” NO: butter, salt, soy sauce, garlic. Plain. My stomach was too sensitive to eat any seasonings whatsoever, and my poor little liver was having a hard time adjusting to alcohol detox. This diet plan, (and lots of heavy metal music) helped me make it through my 2.5 weeks of hell.
I harbored a lot of guilt for what I had done to myself during this time and kept thinking about how fantastic the human body is. How it fights to protect us despite how we treat it. It made me want to treat it so much better than I did when I was in active addiction.
The Demon Summons
It was about 2 months into my sobriety when the cravings to drink came. They would sneak in like a voice of a con man.
“You are healthy again. Go ahead and drink, just moderate this time. It’s fine. What? Are you really gonna do this sober thing forever? Come on.”
“No, I won’t drink. There’s no way I’m going to disappoint my bosses. I’m a better employee and a better dog mom and wife. I’m getting healthy again. I could have died.”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Have a drink.”
“No.”
“Drink.”
“No.”
This argument would go on most evenings, for the entire evening. For an entire year. If the demon commanded me to drink 100 times that night, I refused 101 times. It would nag at me to drink while I watched movies, curled my hair, and cooked dinner. It was powerful, but I was more so.
As they say, “It ran in the family, until it ran into me.”
Rock bottom was the strongest motivation to fight that demonic voice relentlessly. I was beyond determined. I was pissed. Nobody puts baby in a corner. No one and nothing tells me I can’t walk away from abuse.
When the cravings came, I remembered being trapped in a porta potty. I remembered how I realized, one day a few months before that incident, that my skin reeked of piss no matter how many times I showered. (Googling it told me that alcoholism can cause sweat to smell like urine.) I’d remind myself of the nightly blackouts followed by morning anxieties. Struggling to remember what I did, what I said, when I went to bed. My temper tantrums that never made sense upon waking.
So many bullets were dodged blackout drunk. Literally. We keep loaded guns in the house for self-defense. Who knows how long me and my little family would have been safe with me on auto-pilot? And, how am I to defend myself from an intrusion when I don’t even know what I’m doing?
The demon will not win.
The Demon Dies
The last strong craving I had was about a month before my one year sober anniversary. Fuck you demon. You aren’t taking my one year sober glory. But, this bottle of whiskey wouldn’t stop looking at me.
“No.”
“But, you’re on vacation. Aren’t you gonna have any fun?”
“I AM having fun. Without the hangover. Without the temper tantrums and blackouts. Without the extra $400 a month going down the drain. I’m snowboarding, hiking with Ruger dog in the mountains, hot tubbing, reading, and enjoying myself with more energy. I’m not drinking.”
Eventually that voice gave up. After that last strong craving, it still came sometimes, but it grew quieter and quieter. It soon became a whimper.
As I type this, I am celebrating my second year of sobriety, and am happy to say that the demon is dead. It doesn’t have a voice anymore, because I stopped feeding it. It took a long time to die, but it was worth the wait.
Do You Have To Hit Rock Bottom To Quit Drinking?
Get Help Before You Hit Rock Bottom
It’s tough to say if you have to hit rock bottom to change, because everyone is different, and there are just so many factors that can determine what makes someone commit to sobriety. In a perfect world, no one should ever hit rock bottom. It’s usually extremely dangerous, not to mention embarrassing.
However, American Addiction Centers says, “Substance abuse is a complicated illness that often requires some major life event such as divorce, loss of a job, death of a friend from overdose, or any other major life trauma to precipitate a desire to seek help.” Oooofff. Sad.
If you are reading this, because you are worried about your current alcohol consumption, that is great, because it means that you want to change, and that is the first step! Please seek professional help! There are so many amazing resources out there for you! You do NOT want to hit rock bottom. It could cost you your relationships, car, job, and even your life.
In many cases, there are plenty of warning signs before rock bottom. These warning signs can motivate you towards change, and struggling to moderate alcohol consumption is often a first attempt at that. Sadly, moderation isn’t an option once alcoholism has really taken root in someone. Many people find that out the hard way. (Like me!)
You may tell yourself, “I’ll switch from liquor to beer,” or “I’ll limit the amount I drink each night,” or “I’ll cut back from 7 nights a week to just 3 nights a week.” If you are negotiating these types of terms with yourself, you are already in too deep, and you need to get professional help. While it is great that you are wanting to change, I can tell you from experience and from researching the experience of others that moderation will not work and could lead to life-threatening withdrawals.
Learn From The Stories Of Others
If you are reading this because you are worried you may have a drinking problem, read up on other people’s rock bottom tragedies and sobriety journeys. It may motivate you to take action and change your habits before it’s too late!
When I was in active alcohol addiction, I was influenced greatly by a few friend’s posts about their sobriety successes! Even though I didn’t take action on my own sobriety right away, I held admiration for sober people, and those stories planted a seed in my mind that grew over time.
I didn’t start seeing people’s rock bottom stories until after my incident, but they helped me stay on my sober path.
One guy posted pics of his truck all crunched up like a soda can. The grey interior decorated with his blood. He suffered severe head trauma and was paralyzed from the waist down, and he wanted to share his story with graphic photos so others could learn from his mistakes.
Online sober groups provided daily motivation for me to fight cravings and stay sober during my most challenging times. Some of the posts blew my mind, like the woman under 40 years old who had to have a liver transplant and the long list of comments of more people under 40 saying they also had transplants.
Dr. James Burton at University of Colorado Anshutz Medical Campus said around 50% of the liver transplants he performed recently were due to alcohol abuse, and that most of those transplants were performed on young people.
While these are stories of long term abuse, sometimes tragedy from alcohol can strike swiftly, because it is just that dangerous of a drug.
Alyssa Lommel was only 19 years old when a night of partying with friends altered her entire existence forever. She had lost a drinking game too many times and got super hammered. Her friends dropped her off at her house, but she was too drunk to find her way inside. She ended up passing out in subzero temperatures and almost died.
Alyssa wasn’t found until the next morning, and by then her heart was barely beating and her hands had swollen up 3 times their regular size due to frostbite. When she woke up from a coma, her family had to break the news to her that all of her fingers and many of her toes would have to be amputated. This would be horrific news for anyone to hear, but for a 19 year old gymnast, I can’t imagine how awful it must have been.
Don't Believe The Hype
Alcohol is trash. Garbage. It causes headaches, vomit, blackouts, death, premature aging…
If you are able to drink responsibly and only occasionally, I’m glad for that. But, we are talking about a legal and highly addictive drug that kills thousands of people every year in a variety of terrible ways and causes tremendous suffering to addicts and their loved ones. So, why does society sweep the negative side effects of drinking under the rug?
You may have to do some digging to read up on people’s rock bottom stories, partly because some people don’t feel comfortable talking about their lowest moments with others. That’s completely understandable. Not everyone likes to overshare the way I do.
People feel shame and don’t want to be judged for their lowest moments and worst behavior, meaning many rock bottom stories will never reach a lot of ears.
In general, there are some more reasons broadcasting the devastating effects of alcohol isn’t popular:
- More money is made off of selling alcohol than talking about how unhealthy it is.
- Intense and relentless advertising has brainwashed society into thinking that drinking is the only way to have fun, celebrate, relax, be social, feel good, fit in, etc.
- People are sheep. They move in flocks, and they like to do as others do. (I’m not immune. Everyone wants to belong sometimes.) The fact that people are sheep helps line the pockets of huge alcohol companies!
- It’s highly addictive, and some alcoholics will defend alcohol until the day they die, (likely from organ failure.) So, that’s a whole army of folks that don’t want any negative things said about the drug and will shoot people down that try to expose it’s dark side.
Society would benefit from more public service announcements on drinking responsibly and getting help for alcohol addiction. Maybe that would help balance out just how much advertising a recovering alcoholic has to endure on a daily basis.
As much as I like to overshare about my sobriety, I do not ever force the conversation on others. And, I never try to pressure others to quit drinking. But, let’s imagine if I did…
What if I went to a party, and went up to strangers and tried to persuade them to stop drinking? Imagine if they declined several times, and I just kept on asking them to stop drinking while slapping them on the arm and calling them a “pussy” or reminding them it’s their birthday. You can bet I’d be asked to leave the party!!!
So, why is it OK for strangers at 10 am at a fancy brunch restaurant to repeatedly offer me shots even though I keep declining? And why is it considered acceptable for the waitress to then scoff at my orange juice and tell me in a shitty tone that there is something wrong with it?
I got no clue, kid. Even when I drank, I never gave half a shit if anyone else around me was drinking or not. I truly don’t understand why peer pressure is even a thing, but I know it’s not OK. It just goes to show you that just because something is popular and normal, doesn’t mean it’s smart or worth your time.
From Rock Bottom, There Is Nowhere To Go But Up!
If you are reading this because you know you have hit rock bottom, I want to tell you that I am proud of you. Be proud of yourself for admitting that enough is enough. That mental breakthrough is powerful and life changing. Get excited for your better and brighter future, because from rock bottom there is literally nowhere to go but up!
Yes, it will be a tough to get back on the right path. Getting sober isn’t easy, and you will face many challenges, but sometimes you have to fight for the best things in life. Reach out for help from people you trust and sober support groups. Do what you must to protect your sobriety like your life depends on it. Because it does.
One of my favorite sober quotes is, “In addiction we give up EVERYTHING for ONE thing. In recovery, we give up ONE thing for EVERYTHING.”
After two years of sobriety, I have grown as a person in SO many ways:
Better Mental Health
Words cannot express how much happier I am as a sober person! Gratitude flows through me for the simplest things like stretching on my mat with Ruger dog under a soft veil of clouds on a gorgeous day. We smile at the sound of birds and the sight of flowers and bugs. Just a lady and her dog, happy to be alive and well.
My alcoholism was holding me back from growing spiritually and mentally, and my world view was immature and stunted.
Sobriety has granted me with a better understanding of who I am. Some of the money I used to waste on alcohol just to numb unhealed emotional wounds is now being invested in my mental health, and I have had some major psychological breakthroughs that provide more inner peace than any substance ever could.
I can’t believe I used to think I needed alcohol for stress relief after a long work day. Now, I know it’s the last thing I need in my life!
Better Physical Health
Remember when I said, “I want Katy back?” Well, I got her back!
- No hangovers
- More energy for work and play
- Improved skin: less wrinkles, less redness
- Lost 25 lbs.
- Can easily walk in and out of portable bathrooms. Hell yeah.
Better Brain Function
Since I got sober, my mind has been eager for stimulation and productivity! These are some of the things I have done in my 2 years of sobriety:
- Wrote a horror story about my grandparents haunted house
- Started learning Japanese!
- Picked up recycled crafts again
- Reading – Dude. Clive Barker is the bomb for horror fantasy!
- Researching random shit I’m interested in
Found My Purpose
For the longest time after getting sober, I was doing all the things listed above to pass time, have fun, and enjoy my new energy. But, my amazing life coach said we all need purpose to keep us on the sober path and to make us feel fulfilled in life. She’s so right. Her advice inspired me to create this blog which is my ultimate purpose, and I am so grateful that you are reading it!
I Am A Better Wife And Dog Mom
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is no bueno. Alcoholics are inherently selfish and childish. I am ashamed of how I used to lose my temper and yell so often in the past. But, every sober day is a chance for me to do better for my little family. Ruger dog is so happy that his Mom and Dad can talk out their differences like adults now.
I Have More Fun!
Yes, you read that right. I have more fun in sobriety than I ever did in addiction. Since I quit drinking, I have reconnected with my old favorite hobbies and have taken up so many new ones! Sober me likes to:
- Rollerskate
- Skateboard
- Do aerial silks
- Play with Ruger
- Go kayaking with Ruger
- Go ice skating with my husband
- Walk / Hike
- Run
- Dress up and do creative photos
- Bake sweets
- Make stupid TikTok videos
- And more!
Stay Safe, Friends!
If you are afraid of getting help to quit drinking, that’s OK and normal. It’s a huge life change, and you may be scared people will judge you for your addiction.
However, you may be surprised at just how helpful and compassionate people can be when you reach out for help. Many people have either suffered from some type of addiction themselves or have been affected by a loved one’s addiction, so they’re more likely to have compassion for you rather than judgement.
Maybe you’re afraid that you will lose your job over admitting that you need to go to a rehab facility or a treatment center of some kind. However, many jobs actually offer addiction counseling and financial assistance for treatment.
There are even laws that protect alcoholics from discrimination as long as you are working on recovery. I’m not going to provide legal advice, but I’m assuming the best way to cover your ass is to not become a liability or safety concern at your work place, contact an attorney to find out more, and get treatment for your addiction asap!
The safest way to quit drinking and detox safely is to do it under medical supervision, and I urge you to seek out some help for that, BEFORE you hit rock bottom.
If you are as deep in alcohol addiction as I was, you can bet that the road is going to be tough from here on out whether you stay in active addiction or choose to get better. Both options are tough, but only one leads to a favorable outcome. Recovering from addiction and staying sober will take some work, so ya might as well get started on it now, so you can begin your new and improved life!
I wish I could properly express how much better my life has gotten in sobriety, but you’ll just have to find out for yourself!
Sources:
1. Marais, Saya Des, “Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms: What Does Detoxing Feel Like? A Timeline,” GoodRx Health, September 1, 2022 https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/alcohol-use-disorder/alcohol-withdrawal
2. American Addiction Center, “Do I Have To Hit Rock Bottom Before I Get Help?” DrugAbuse.com, June 11, 2019 https://drugabuse.com/blog/rock-bottom-myth/
3. Anderson, Mallory, “Younger Patients Needing Liver Transplants Due To Alcohol,” University of Colorado Medicine https://www.cumedicine.us/about-cu-medicine/health-insights/younger-patients-needing-liver-transplants-due-to-alcohol
4. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/rock-bottom
5. Farberov, Snejana, “Pictured: Severely Frostbitten College Student, 19, Has All Her Fingers Amputated After Being Left On Porch For Nine Hours In Subzero Temperatures,” DailyMail.com, January 22, 2014 https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2543999/Alyssa-Jo-Lommel-19-fingers-amputated-left-porch-nine-hours-subzero-temperatures.html