How to Heal After Separating from Family
Hey, guys. If you have had to break contact with blood relatives, I feel for you. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun, even if it is necessary for your overall mental health and happiness. Wounds like that cut deep, and chances are, you could use some tips for how to heal after separating from family.
While I am not a mental health care professional, you could still call me an expert in this subject, because rejection from family is something I have a lot of experience with, and at 38 years old, I’m finally starting to understand it and heal from it.
Process the Trauma
Deep emotional wounds never completely go away, but you can experience some relief by facing the trauma and processing it, either with the help of others, or privately.
Share Your Experience
In a recent article I posted called, “Is it Healthy to Separate From Family?” I shared my experiences about how, in my case, burned bridges are the best kind. When you feel comfortable enough to do so, consider sharing your experiences with trusted friends, support groups, your therapist, your life-coach, or through writing, like I do.
There are many benefits to sharing your painful separation experiences with others.
Venting
Some people find it uncomfortable to vent about their emotions, but it can be extremely helpful for the healing process. If you don’t vent, those emotions will find their way out of you sooner or later. (It’s like trying to hold a beach ball under water forever. Eventually, it’s going to surface.)
It’s better to take control of your emotions, and make time to vent in an open, positive, and constructive environment, rather than waiting for them to surface and catch you off guard. Venting helps you process emotions by releasing them.
Venting also helps you validate your feelings after putting up with people who likely ignored or dismissed them. When you hear yourself recounting what happened to you out loud, it authenticates your feelings and gives you a voice.
You can choose to vent to one person, many people, or even through writing online like I do these days. It is all about your comfort level and choosing what works best for you.
Venting is a way of putting your foot down, standing up for yourself, and saying, “What happened to me was not fair, and I didn’t deserve it. My emotions are justified, I exist, and I matter.”
You Are Not Alone
One of the reasons separating from family is so difficult, is because you crave connection. We all do. When the family dynamic has become so nasty that you are forced to cut contact, it hurts and makes you feel alone. You could be surrounded by caring friends, but if they don’t know your pain, you might still feel alone in what you are going through.
However, when you share your experiences, you might be surprised to find out how much others can relate. Many people have had to separate from their blood relatives for mental health reasons. Talking to others can lead to the realization that you aren’t the only one who has suffered that kind of heartache, which can lead to a sense of belonging and solidarity.
Perspective
If you have been singled out as the outcast in your family, it is likely that you are a victim of various forms of manipulation, including gaslighting.
According to Merriam Webster, gaslighting is defined as the, “Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
For example, your entire family may have made you feel like you are a bad person, simply by ganging up on you all of the time and twisting narratives in their favor. They may have turned you into a scapegoat, which is basically someone chosen to blame everything on.
You suspect that you are not a bad person, despite the beliefs of your family, but seek confirmation and validation. You know you will never get validation from family, because, they have decided you are the bad guy no matter what you do.
Sharing your trauma with others can help you heal after separating from family, because it can provide you with a more fair and accurate perspective of your experiences.
Trusted friends, therapists, life coaches, and other types of support groups will probably see a much different version of you than your family has chosen to see. They can provide you with that confirmation and validation that you seek, which can be such a relief.
What your family considers normal and fair could be considered highly abusive, toxic, and even dangerous to the outside world. It’s all about perspective.
Private Expression
If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your experiences, there are private ways that you can express yourself that will help you process the trauma and heal after separating from family.
Self-Reflection
Self-reflection is necessary in order to heal from the trauma caused by separating from family, because when you are mistreated, you end up internalizing the negative opinions of others whether you realize it or not.
For example, imagine if your family made a habit of asking you to hand over all of your assets, because they need them more than you. And, when you declined to give them your money, house, or car, they called you selfish and greedy. My experience with this can be read about in a story I published on Medium called, “Why Do They Gut Me?”
If you had internalized the idea that you were selfish, you may end up in a relationship with a partner that uses you for money, because you are fighting that idea in your head and trying to prove to yourself that you aren’t selfish. This is an extreme form of self-sacrifice, but sadly it is a very common response to verbal abuse from family.
Self-reflection is aided by education. The more educated you are on topics of abuse, gaslighting, scapegoating, etc. the more equipped you will be to reflect on yourself and see yourself more clearly.
Self-reflection is huge, because it provides you with a sense of awareness that explains why you are the way you are, and why you do the things you do. Discovering the roots of your dysfunction opens the door for healing, so that you can make better relationship and life choices.
Journaling
Journaling is a fantastic way to express yourself privately. It is basically a form of self-reflection. However, the cool thing about writing versus thinking is that writing is thinking, but it’s slowed down. Writing things down almost forces you to ease into your thoughts, which allows for a more thorough examination.
Journaling also encourages you to organize thoughts, which makes it easier to understand the bigger picture.
Another great thing about journaling is that it captures the present moment and preserves it for future reflection. For example, I had to write down the messed up things that my aunt and uncle said to me the last time I saw them, because I knew that if I didn’t, I might forget how harmful their words had been due to the fuzziness that comes with time.
It would have been dangerous for me to forget and forgive, because forgiving people like that would have left me vulnerable for more abuse, as you can read about in an article I wrote on Medium called, “Why Narcissists Kiss Your Ass When You Leave.”
Self-Talk
I used to feel completely crazy for practicing self-talk, because I didn’t realize that it is actually quite normal and sane to do so, according to many therapists and life coaches.
Self-talk is basically what it sounds like; you talking to yourself. Feel free to do this however often you like, because the benefits are numerous. Self talk can help you build your confidence back up after it has been beaten down by family. It is a way to counteract all of the negativity placed upon your shoulders over the years.
Just remember to speak to yourself positively and with encouragement at all times! If you have a bad habit of thinking negatively about yourself due to trauma caused from family, practice self-talk so that you can build positive thinking habits.
Be Patient When Healing From Family Separation
As I mentioned, it isn’t easy to heal from something as major as a separation from family. That’s why it is important to be patient with yourself, and understand that the wound may never fully heal. It will probably always hurt a little, even when you know it is for the best.
My family has given me plenty of valid reasons to cut them off years ago. Ironically, they are the ones who cast me out, as I explained in the previous article, “Is it Healthy to Separate from Family?” (The only bridges I burned were with my narcissistic and abusive aunt and uncle.)
It has been about a year since my entire family has broken contact with me, and I still have dreams where my sister is being nice to me. (Yeah right… In my dreams, haha!) But, at least I don’t wake up crying from those dreams anymore.
It is bittersweet to feel relieved and released from the family drama for good. Each passing day grants me more peace and wisdom.
It’s O.K. to feel pain from separating from people, even if they are toxic and abusive, because it means you cared. The pain will lessen with time, because you have removed the source.
Learn to Let Go
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One of the reasons why separating from family is so hard, is because, for most of us, it wasn’t all bad. There are usually plenty of great memories mixed in with the terrible, which can leave you feeling conflicted, confused, and depressed. Learn to let go, and look forward towards creating more great memories where you can.
If you can find it in your heart, honor those good memories with family, but understand that they belong in the past if you know that separation is the healthiest option for you. Be grateful for the good times and kind gestures, but don’t let those memories overshadow the current situation.
I talk about my life coach a lot, because she is a superhero. In Heidi’s Codependency Breakthrough Course, she teaches a method called “Rapid Detachment.” I highly recommend taking the course and going through the process yourself, because it is absolutely life-changing. But, basically the point is to stop expecting people to behave the way they should, and learn to accept that they are not going to change. Then decide if you want them in your life.
I struggle to find the exact quote, but one of Lao Tzu’s teachings that has helped me learn to let go of toxic people says something like, “Those that desperately cling to the safety of the river bank, will never know the happiness of new adventure. They worry and try to force things to remain the same as always. Let go, and flow with the river of life.”
I probably butchered that quote, but that was the basic idea of it. There is much peace to be found when we learn to let go of our old concepts of how we think everything should be; and learn to accept what is. Let go of the past, and look forward towards the future.
Look to Nature as a Model
Speaking of challenging the idea of what should be versus what is, it can be helpful to look to nature as a model. It is extremely rare that animals stay in contact with their blood relatives after independence is achieved, so why is this a societal norm among humans?
Societal norms don’t always make sense, and it’s O.K. to break them if they aren’t working for you! And, as I mentioned earlier, there are actually lots of people that have had to cut contact with family, so it’s not that uncommon. Live free, fly far, and live your life on your own terms.
Create New Connections
Like I said, we all need connection, but connection can come from many places. One of the best ways to heal from trauma after separating from family is to create new connections.
If you have trusted friends that build you up and treat you right, keep them close, and love them in return. If you are lacking in this department, find people with like interests through classes or meet-up groups. You can create new connections in the form of a chess club, running club, LARP group, or whatever you are into. Hey, I’ve heard people bond pretty intensely after attacking each other with foam swords in a random city park.
If you have a loving and loyal pet, learn to appreciate them even harder than you already do. Remember, you are their whole world! Pets are the perfect companions, because they are great listeners, they will always make time for you, they are grateful for little things, and they are low drama. If you don’t have a pet but do have the time, space, and finances, consider adopting one!
And, of course, you can create a new family with the right partner. How cool would it be to raise a child that is so loved and supported that they will never have to endure the trauma of separating from family?
Life Is Too Short To Be Miserable
Feeling depressed about having to separate from family is normal, but please don’t lose sight of your healing and happiness goals, because life is too short to be miserable.
Every day the sun comes up, birds sing, rivers flow, dogs wag their tails, and the sun goes down. We never get that day back. Time is not reversible. Every day is a chance to love and appreciate life.
Thank you so much for reading!
See you next week.